Starting Conversations
A collection of stories from people in the UK who suffer from a wide range of mental health conditions. Click here for the interviews.
"In all honesty, depression entails: No eating, sleeping, not washing your body for weeks, same underwear, same socks. No movement, no nothing, no interacting with people. Hating yourself, absolute intense hatred, where you can feel it in your bones. Did you know that’s depression? No, because it felt normal.” - Darius
"Most of the time I think they say Chronic lymphocytic leukemia is more in your head and the physical side is more manageable. The worst is probably 3 or 4 days before my tests where you’re thinking this is going to be the time.” - Matthew
“A therapist told me that I had postnatal anxiety. Everyone knows about postnatal depression, but I wasn't depressed. Because of what happened, it triggers my anxiety even more and it might take a long time before it heals because your brain remembers.” - Katja
“I got signed off work because of my diagnosis, I was told not to do anything. It was hard. After a time, I went back on a 4 day cycle, which I was grateful for...but then I got hit by the news that I was going to lose my dad and that was one of the craziest feelings and you never recover… you find a new normal.” - Quinton
Joe “Emotional exhaustion is worse than physical. Physical exhaustion you can solve by sleep, but emotional exhaustion is always there.”
“I would self harm when I was a teenager. I didn’t do it for people to see it, I did it because I felt like I deserved to be in pain.” - Davinia
“I have to try and make my life better. I don’t want to live like that anymore. I have to accept my mental health and own it." - Tasnia
“Repetition is key with everything in life, doing things again and again, it’s not about telling yourself but acting on it, in ways that makes you feel good. In my case, I dedicate my time to Tango, where I feel whole, body and mind together.” - Alexandra
“While I was away, I was in a relationship at the time and I was coping with my Crohn's disease and the other person’s health issues too. It just happens, shock horror, that running away wasn’t a great idea...I hadn't really dealt with the implications of my happiness and it created a tension in my existence and found myself very quickly sliding into this self destructive state, I couldn't communicate with anyone. I felt trapped and under pressure” - Oliver
"I grew up having a father saying that I would never be somebody, I wouldn’t be able to achieve anything. He would call me stupid and that would accumulate. I grew up needing a lot of validation. I never had a good relationship with my dad." - Anti
“I used to throw things in the bin. If you come to my house, everything is empty, because everything is associated with everything. Ornaments, clothes, shoes. Once I threw gold, my mum went mad. I didn't notice because I was just cleaning obsessively. My extended family was scared of me saying things in front of me like ‘don't buy that, Elisha will throw it in the bin. Everyone knows about my condition and everyone talks behind my back and I can feel that bad energy.” - Elisha
“You have to learn how to forgive yourself. It’s a law! It’s not a thing, it’s a law!” - Darius
“It took me years to realise I was struggling, to realise that it was not right to hurt myself and wanting to die over an off comment from a friend, or someone not showing up when we arrange to meet. I wanted to die because of things like that. I had to jump through hoops to get my first diagnosis, which was depression.” - Laura
"Singing was always something I loved doing and when I was 7 or 8, I begged my dad to get me singing lessons. He was like ‘I’m not going to pay for singing lessons because you’re not good enough’. That always stuck with me and it always stays with me.” - Davinia
“There’s one paragraph I vividly remember from a book I read called A Fraction of the Whole by Steve Toltz. It reads ‘I have too much free time and too much free time leads to excessive self absorption and unless your water tight and flawless, excessive self absorption leads to depression’... I mean he pretty much nailed it.” - Joe
“I don’t really believe in pills, I believe more in plants and natural medicines. For me, I’m afraid of antidepressants but the one thing that worked for me is to have a rescue spray. It’s a spray with essential oils. I would spray it in my mouth everytime I feel a panic attack coming. I have used it since I was young.” - Marion
“My eldest, when he was 10 days old, he stopped breathing. He stayed in hospital for 3 days and that completely fucked me up. After that I had massive anxiety. When he sleeps, I always have to check if he’s breathing, it becomes obsessive.” - Katja
“Since we chucked my dad out of our lives… when I was 16, it spiralled. Because, suddenly, that thing which was keeping me numb had gone. The abuse had gone and then my mind just began to unravel, the shock of what I had gone through had settled and my mind couldn't handle it. I spent years having these outbursts of anger, frustration and sadness. I thought it was normal.” - Laura
“I left work, not exactly with my head held high but with a sense of hope and excitement of doing something cool and that was going to Germany to live with my uncle and to make an album of music I had been working on since my teenage years. The truth is, it all went wrong. It was a disaster, it was really crap. It all fell apart and I felt suicidal.” - Oliver
“I sought help, because I couldn’t hack it anymore, it felt like I was going out of my nut. I’m good with words but I can’t describe them. It’s just a dark-arsed cloud. It was a cloud that I could see, it was visible. It was harsh.” - Darius
“My mum, I think, had mental health problems. I remember I was just playing and my mum would scream at me and beat me. People with Borderline Personality Disorder had abusive childhoods but did I ever put myself in my mum’s position due to her situation, I have to find a way to forgive her.” - Tasnia
“I didn’t self harm for years until about 2 months ago. This sounds stupid, but I did it so I could contract sepsis so that I could die. I didn’t want to kill myself so my mum could find my body. I wanted to die in a hospital where it was a sad accident. I didn’t want to be here anymore." - Davinia
“I was at the edge of the yellow line at the train station, the train was coming and no one knew what I was doing. People were staring at me and I was literally taking one step at a time. I thought to myself that I was going to do it. I was very low in my life, I wanted to see how it is and feel...but the reality was that, I was going for an interview and then I’m doing this? What is going on?...I didn’t get the job in the end!” - Elisha
“My wife is the first person, the only person I go to. My victory is being able to talk to my wife more and being able to share this. She was proud of me that I’m participating. The support is there and I know it’s there and it makes me feel more comfortable.” - Quinton
“It freaks me out when things are so good and I’m just waiting for the shit to hit the fan. I feel as though perhaps, maybe I did something when I was younger and this was a punishment.” - Meredith
“I think in my case it is hereditary, I picked up things from my mum. The stress comes when there’s trauma. When I had panic attacks, my dad would freak out and want to take me to the hospital, which would be the worst thing for me. But mum understood because she knew it, she created a calm environment and told me to breathe. I think I was really lucky that she was understanding.” - Marion
"By the time I got home, I called the ambulance. After recommendation from the doctors, she was put in a psychiatry ward for two weeks. I’m very fortunate because my family was supportive and my mum was with her every day and slept in the ward with Anti." -Remi
“During the work day, I come home and take half an hour to myself for meditation. That really helps me to be better for my husband and everyone around me”. - Alexandra